Half a Year

I can't believe my baby turned 6 months old yesterday. When I think back, I still feel very sad about all the time that was lost while he was in NICU. Yes . . . . I KNOW how very blessed I am to have a healthy baby boy at home with me. My mind comprehends this, but my heart does not. My mom frequently reminds me of how much worse things could've been. What she doesn't understand . . . . she never lost a moment with either of her babies. She didn't have to go 26 hours before the doctors would even let her see them. She didn't have to look at her baby with tubes crammed into his mouth, nose, etc. She didn't have to say good bye to her babies night, after night, after night.  Her heart did not break into pieces when she first saw a little skeleton of a baby that held half of her soul. Unless you've been there, unless you've been a NICU parent . . . . you have no way of understanding. When I think back, 6 months back, I'm overwhelmed with RAW emotion. I celebrate the 6 months of life that my baby has had, but it hurts when I think about being robbed of the first 2. I should have been the first person to hold him and to give him his first bath. I should've felt like his mom and not a visitor. It's ALL still sooooo much. The feelings are sooooo RAW. Would I do it all over again? In one heartbeat. I love that little bug with my whole being.

NOVEMBER

NOW